


The Forgotten One

by clk_boom



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-18
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-05 18:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/726598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clk_boom/pseuds/clk_boom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four connected teens feel a little too close and a little too distant from each other, and everybody's chasing everyone else in circles revolving around the same fifteen minutes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave: Get jealous.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's so "wow" and you're just not.

You like him like some people like smoking. It is filling and addicting and disgusting. It is just mildly poetic. He's raised you since you were maybe three, and you still manage to find him wildly attractive. You have to keep reigning in your imagination form what it'd be like "if this" and, oh god, " _if_ that". It's taxing, it's tiring, and ultimately, you love it.

It's like playing keep-away with two halves of yourself; the side that murmurs into your ear, saying  _Just do it, do it, just this once,_ and the side that tells you _This is so wrong, avert your virgin eyes, for the fucking sake of decency and all that's good, look down the beaten goddamn path!_ You don't. However, the voice of reason is only so much stronger than the voice of want and fails to restrain you past the point of staring. Imagining. Formulating little plans, for the day your willpower fails.

It's hard being sixteen-year-old Dave. It is, because really you just want to either eat something or fuck something. And sometimes the thought of expending all that energy makes you hungry. It's also really difficult because it's actually quite well-known among your friends and Dirk's friends and everyone in between there that Dirk is really good-looking. You can't really help much the fact that when you look at him, certain... "thoughts" run through your hormone-riddled brain. They're more like ideas, but you're stopping yourself right there. When those ideas skitter through, an adrenaline flush isn't far behind. It seems to wash over you and it goes as fast as it arrived, leaving you with a pink face, hot ears, heightened heart rate, and a really inconvenient erection. Usually, you just shove your hands in your pockets and saunter off like nothing's wrong. You like to think your brother's none the wiser, but the other half of you is mortified with knowing he just isn't that stupid.

You aren't just physically attracted, though god damn the things you would do to his body if he'd le you. He's always protected you, stood up for you, sometimes, even, you think you have genuine interaction. And he's so smart. He means all of it completely fraternally, but you try not to engage him because all that would happen is you'd just hate yourself later for the way you left a hand on his arm a little too long, said "babe" a little too short of the irony mark, got caught staring for the hundredth time. Whenever his guard goes down, yours is cranked up even higher than it is when he's good old watchful Dirk.

You know he'll never love you back for two reasons: genes and Jake. You try to pretend you arent insanely jealous every time your brother's boyfriend is over, you'll invite John over or out to distract you. Jake, of course, is completely oblivious to the fact that you wish him a quick, yet painless and merciful, death as soon as possible. He thinks you're just "top-notch, a wonderful young chap." Young, you always scoff at that. He's just a few years older than you. He's straddling the line between nineteen and twenty; not quite there yet, but not so far, either. It's way more appropriate for Dirk to be dating him, not just because Jake's last name isn't "Strider," but also because they're closer in age. Plus, how could you ever contend with that amiable, smiling, toned ball of excitement? As always, you kick yourself for even entertaining the idea you could ever make him proud or happy as anything but his little bro. Sometimes you feel like you've been totally forgotten.

The door clicks and you look over, pulled from a trance induced by the repeat episode on the television. It's Dirk coming home. Shit, Jake's with him. As your brother ambles in, Jake shuffles close behind him, holding his hand. He waves at you and you give a halfhearted raised hand in his direction. It's about as much of a wave as you can muster. You manage to find your cell in the countless folds of blanket and cushions and tap John's face. "Yo, Egbert, you busy?"


	2. Jake: Be afflicted.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's perfect and he needs you less than you need him.

You love him like the sun loves flowers. Relentless and scorching. Everywhere. All of your boundless energy is directed towards making him crack a smile and sticking to him like a magnet. But you think it's just that which is so burning about your love for him. You think maybe you're a little  _too_ everywhere. You think you could do to give him a little -- or a lot -- of space. You probably should, and you've kind of started to. You don't want your entire relationship be with Dirk to be the denotation of a honeymoon phase, full of sappy love and trivial things that won't mean much in a few years' time.

People tell you that "honeymoon phase" lasts a year or so, and you'd be willing to bet your fucking noggin it's less with Dirk. You are now approaching the eight-month marker since you started a serious relationship, and you think it's about to end the phase. You're not going to lie to yourself -- you're scared. You're quite scared, in fact, that you're smothering him. You've been known to do so in the past, and you really don't want to fuck this up with Dirk. Today he came and picked you up for a nice day in town, lunch, conversation (a bit one-sided, though, as he was quiet today), and he's taken you back to the apartment.

His brother's there. You force a cheery smile and wave, but he just returns it with a disinterested motion. Dave's a really good kid, but you're convinced he hates you. It makes you really upset, because you want to be with Dirk long-term, but it won't work out if his brother just doesn't like you. You and Dirk have whispered about it before, lying in bed. He seemed just as concerned about it as you. As you pass Dave, he turns away from you and you frown, Dirk giving a glance back at you that seems like he can't feel sorry enough.

Down the hall and into Dirk's room, you throw yourself into a chair and he flops onto a pile of his ridiculous smuppets.

"Yo, Egbert, you busy?" It never fails. He always calls his friend over, desperate to get away from you. You frown, looking towards the door, the direction of the sound. Dirk sighs.

"Sorry, Jake. I don't know what his deal is," he says quietly, so Dave doesn't hear above his phone call. "He won't even talk to me about it, just kind of shuts down when I'm near him." He sits up and shifts, visibly uncomfortable.

"It isn't your fault. You weren't so different a couple years ago, hm? Put yourself in his position. I think he just wants your attention for himself." You're tugging at the bottom hem of your shorts, near your knees, and looking down. Dirk nods.

"I guess, but it seems just  _different_ than that. I think he'll come around eventually, but in the meantime I'm focused on stopping it from remaning such a federal issue." You nod and go over to join him on the muppet buttock mound, as you've heard Dave call it. The thought makes you chuckle, causing your boyfriend to raise a brow at you.

"The stuff you and your brother say is just kinda funny stometimes. But, um..." You take his hand in both of yours and feel him tense up. "Can we talk about something serious?" You hear the front door close. Dirk seems on edge about whatever you're going to say next, and you guess he has reason to be, not just because you used a variation of the automatic red-flag "we need to talk," but because what you have to say may actually be alarming.

"Yeah, sure, Jake." He seems like he's forcing casual, playing the cool guy like when you first met him, like when he's internally panicking and doesn't want you to know. You drop his hand and pat it once, yours lingering over it. You decide to drop the padding on your words, too, and say everything raw.

"You could do better than me," you say quietly. "I'm  pretty clingy. And you're amazing, and--" A nervous chuckle rolls up from your throat. "Yeah, I'm absolutely certain you could find someone much better. Less gung-ho, and more down-to-Earth, maybe. Like you." Dirk shakes his head.

"Jake, that's not what I want. I  _need_ someone like you." He smiles, thinking that's the end of it, that you're just a tad self-conscious. No, no, no. You're poisonous to him. You drain him a little more every time you're together. Dave can probably tell -- you bet that's why he he hates you, why he can never accept you. You are just like the desert heat against a rose, and Dirk is the bud.

"No, chap." You can't really bring yourself to look into his eyes, wishing he had kept the sunglasses on even after you'd come inside. You settle for looking at the wall behind him. "No you don't; I'm just, er, how do I say it?" What's that word you're looking for? This is completely unsettling your calm. You were going to be okay, and now look at you. Stumbling for a word whose connotation you can't even grasp, stuttering and stammering to get it over with and convince him to let you go with minimal qualms about it. "I'm just, I'm too clingy and I need to work on how I treat you, I suppose, and there are things you just don't... _see_." He's quiet for a few minutes, an expression on his face on which you can almost outline the calculation of words, actions, reactions.

"You aren't gonna let me refuse you," he says slowly, but sure of his words. "So I have to say 'alright'. But I'm not happy about it. You obviously have some stuff you've gotta work out on your own or with a professional, and-" he cuts himself off, chuckling bitterly. "I'm surely neither of those. Wish I could help you, though." His eyebrows had furrowed and his voice is low with concern. He seems just resigned to the fact that you're breaking it off with him.

"Don't worry, sw- Dirk." You remind yourself that your days of calling him "sweets" are over. Pet names are not a "bro" activity. You two sit together in mostly comfortable silence, after a while deciding it's time for you to go home. Dirk understands, it seems, and you're really grateful for that. There doesn't feel like there's anything left to be said, nothing like a beef between you. It's easy, and it's almost, almost easy to let go.

He'll find someone else, you convince yourself in his car, sitting in front of your house. He'll realize how much you would have held him back. He understands, but hopefully soon he'll actually  _get it._ Dirk's facing forward, not looking at you, but then you see him glance. His eyes flicker over behind those glasses and you just barely catch it in your peripheral vision. You don't say anything at the moment, but later, in bed, lying awake, you hate what you've done, because Dirk doesn't do that. He doesn't glance, flicker, nor does he refuse to look at you. You've destroyed him a little bit and that makes you equal parts angry and glad. Angry, because you've hurt him, glad because hopefully it was a clarifying slap in the face. The sorry is fading.


	3. Dirk: Get affectionate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was so obsessed and now there's nothing.

You worship him like a man worships a moral. It's loving yet casual and you need him, but you keep your distance. You've been hurt before, and while you don't think Jake is like the others, you're still cautious. You let him ramble on and on about his day, ideas, past experiences, and you love to listen. He's the light to contrast your calm, dark, and cool. You thought about your relationship for a long time, and now you're thinking it could last a long time, if  you do it right.

You felt maybe you should start trying to close the distance after eight months, so you took him out for a date. It was a normal enough activity, but you made sure he had one hundred percent of your attention, you held his hand, you let your knees touch without meaning you wanted to go home and have sex ASAP. You frown. So what could you have done wrong? On the way to your apartment, Jake's quiet, which is a rare occurrence. You're not sure what to say, and he probably understands that; you've never been good at talking about feelings.

A tired sigh passes through your lips as you shut off the car and open your door. At least he was here rather than by himself. You were really hoping your brother was out taking advantage of the unusually mild weather, but instead he's sitting out the couch watching the same episode of  _Scrubs_ they always seem to play. He doesn't even like that show, so you think he's thinking about something else. These days, when Dave gets to thinking like that, it's never very good news for his mental state. His mood drops and he refuses to discuss anything with you. You hope it doesn't have anything to do with Jake, but Jake tries so hard and Dave stays the same as ever. The two of you walk through the door, and as you all acknowledge each other, the greetings seem stale. He tries to be nice, but you think the reason it comes off so roughtly is whatever he's dealing with in that brain of his. You turn and look at Jake as you lead him past, not realizing that your pity for Dave is still apparent on your face.

You figure he's going to call John the second he thinks you're out of earshot, and the confirmation comes the moment you collapse into your soft, makeshift puppet chair.

"Yo, Egbert, you busy?" Jake's fidgeting in his chair, frowning at the door, and you feel really sorry that they can't get along with each other.

"Sorry, Jake, I don't know what his deal is. He won't even talk to me about it, just kind of shuts down whenever I'm near him." You've thought about taking him to see a therapist, but then you always thought about how much he'd hate you for it, shrug off the questions, and deny help either to spite you or just for the "irony". Because he "doesn't need help".

"It isn't your fault," Jake assures you, a sigh in his tone. "You weren't so different a couple years ago, hm? Put yourself in his position. I think he just wants your attention for himself." You see his point. Dave does seem a little jealous of JAke, but you don't feel you've totally neglected him. Maybe you have.

"I guess, but it just seems  _different_ than that." Or, at least, it's you believed before. The way he avoids you, little things he does. However, right now you're most worried about getting him to hold a conversation with you. "I think he'll come around eventually, but in the meantime I'm focused on stopping it from being such a federal issue." Jake nods and sits down next to you, chuckling a little. You look at him questioningly and he shrugs before explaining.

"The stuff you and your brother say is just kinda funny sometimes. But, um..." You're still not used to when Jake gets serious or romantic, and you can't ever tell which is which, let alone when he mixes the two. It makes you uncomfortable and you wish you could relax when he holds your hand.

"Can we talk about something serious?" And there goes Dave. Jake is never serious, so it must be something important.

"Yeah, sure, Jake." He should know by now that he can tell you anything, but you still get nervous when he trusts you this much. Play it cool. He puts your hand down and pats it, taking a deep breath.

"You could do better than me. I'm pretty clingy." Where's he going with this? No, Jake's wonderful and makes you smile. "And you're amazing and-" he stops short, the chuckle following sounding painfully humorless. "Yeah, I'm absolutely certain that you could find someone much better." Was it something you did? Or didn't do? Maybe he feels like this because you're so distant. You need a way to reassure him. "Less gung-ho, and more down-to-Earth, maybe. Like you." You shake your head; he's so wrong.

"Jake, that's not what I want. I  _need_ someone who's like you." You smile because it hurts, because you can't possibly express to him with words how much you need him, what he means to you. You could you explain that he and Dave are your world?

"No, chap." He won't look at you. He's trying to make it easier because he's set in it. You always give in to Jake, and you guess now is hardly any different. You just let him talk at you, completely going numb and missing half the reasons he's stuttering.

"You aren't gonna let me refuse you. So I have to say 'alright'." As much as it pains you. You're not even sure this is the right thing to say. "But I'm not happy about it. You obviously have some stuff you've gotta work out on your own or with a professional, and-" You want to be mad, and you want to help him and you wish you were capable of it, but... "-I'm surely neither of those. Wish I could help you, though."

"Don't worry, sw-" He almost calls you "sweetie" or "sweets" or some variation and your heart stops. "Dirk." You're both quiet a long time, processing what's happened, how things will be now, or at least that's what you're thinking. Jake asks if you can give him a ride home and you nod, stand, grab your keys, and slip your shades on. Keep playing it cool.

He sits in your car a few miutes, tense like you. He glances at you once, then stares ahead a while longer. You can nearly feel the thickness of the air, the depth of the space between you, and something is left hanging there, waiting to be said. You want to look at him, just one more time before he leaves and the chapter here is closed, but if you do, you're broken. In some small way, you want him to know you've been hurt. You do it, and instantly you regret it. You know he saw. Jake fidgets a little for a moment before opening the door and going inside; you sit outside for a good fifteen minutes, feeling sick. You white-knuckle the steering wheel, taking in big gulps of air to steady yourself and looking utterly terrified. And when you finally get home, you throw up and don't feel ashamed of crying for the first time in years.


	4. John: Be forgotten.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're always there, but you don't think he is.

You need him like mankind needs air. That soft consumption. A quiet dependence.

"Yo, Egbert, you busy?" Of course you're busy; you're almost never not doing homework these days, catching up, falling behind again, just to remain passing in your classes.

"Nah, not really." But for Dave, you're never occupied. "What's up?"

"I need to get out of this astonishingly small apartment." So Dirk's boyfriend is over. The apartment really isn't small at all, but you know that Dave starts to feel pretty crowded when no one's paying much attention to him.

"Sure thing, bro, you wanna meet outside your buildin?" It cracks him up every time you call him "bro". You can almost hear the smirk when he next speaks

"Yeah, see you in a few." You both hang up and you throw some jeans and a shirt on, smiling to yourself at the passing thought of how funny it'd be to go out in your pajama pants and house slippers. It takes you maybe ten minutes to walk from your house to his, through people, crosswalks, and one very angry lady with a dog in her purse. Dave's already waiting, leaning against the bricks with his ever-cool expression.

"Yo," he says as he gives you a head nod. Is it so impossible just for him to say hi?

"Hi, so I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that James... Jack..."

"Jake."

"Jake is up there?" You've listened to him say it several times, but for some reason the name just doesn't stick. Dave nods. You don't know why Jake bothers him so much, but you have a few guesses. A couple of which are totally preposterous and you would never bring up. The two of you walk off towards the nearby drugstore and you let Dave talk. He doesn't talk to his brother much, you know, but you, John Egbert, are his best friend.

"I have to tell you something," he says at last, after having bought one of his creature comforts, apple juice. He sips at it thoughtfully and waits for you to respond.

"I think I do, too. You go ahead, though." Dave just looks at you hard for a second from behind his sunglasses before he takes another sip of his joice and sighs.

"I think I'm real fucked up, John." Thre's a beat of silence.

"N-no, Dave, why would y-"

"I have these thoughts, man," he retorts with distress in his voice and motions as he recaps his juice with quick, jerky movements. " _Thoughts_ , of... I just need you to be cool with me, alright?" You nod. "I have thoughts and shit, about being with my bro." He searches you for a reaction, eyebrows furrowed, mouth turned down. He almost looks ready to cry. It takes you a moment to understand. "I wanna fuck my bro."

"Oh."

" 'Oh.' That's all you have to say?" He runs a hand through his hair and you just nod.

"Yeah. You're still my best bro." A look mixes in with the expression already on his face. You can't name it, but before you know it, he's thrown his arms around you in an unfortunately platonic bear hug.

"Thanks, man." That's it. That's all you ever get. He completely forgets you had something to say, too. You let him, though, because there's no need to frustrate him further or make him feel guilty. No need to tell him that even though you know he's interested in somebody else, you want to breathe him in, let him know it's gonna be okay, no matter what it is. You want him to surround you and rely on you as much as you depend on him. "Hey, Houston to Egbernaut, you there?"

"Oh, yeah, zoned out." You smile and chuckle because you're Dave's happy face. "Sorry. What were you saying?" At least you've got him.. It's worth being the forgotten one.


End file.
